Love and Self-Confidence

Expanding a Network of Love

"Nothing can make up for the absence of someone whom we love, and it would be wrong to try to find a substitute. … It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap, he does not fill in, but on the contrary, he keeps it empty and so helps us to keep alive our former communion with each other, even at the cost of pain." -- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

At times I ask people if they're in any important relationship. "Are you in love, or do you have some good friendships?"

"No," the person frequently responds, "I'm not yet prepared for that. I want to get my personality straightened out, then perhaps I'll be ready to seek some intimate relationships."

On the contrary, that is like a grown-up man delaying exercise till he is in shape. Individuality and relationship must take place hand in hand.

The belief that a positive personality must certainly go before any positive relationship is one of the bromides of present self-help literature. Several books and seminars point out that one should not rely on others for support. It should all come from the inside, they say.

However it is a chicken-or-the-egg question. It is a fact that the greater our self-confidence, the better we will interact to other people, but healthy self-regard is not exposed on some land mass where we gaze at our navels. We are identified partly by the people that surround us, and personality is largely improved by society. Thus one of the most certain ways to increase confidence is to ensure you have a lot of love in your life, to take the needed steps to build a network of supportive relationships.

One way that love results in self-confidence is when you: Nurture People Who Help You Grow.

Let me give a simple example. I have met a woman on her thirties. My personal feeling of sorrow is nothing compared to her. Her scenario is like this: she lives in a huge residence house. Every morning, she eats her breakfast alone, goes down to her parking garage, drives out onto the expressway, and parks in another underground parking lot beneath her office building. There she starts to work in a small workplace, working alone, with not much communication with the people whose workspace surrounds her. She frequently eats her lunch alone, and at the end of the day, drives back to her residence house and goes into her empty house, where she more or less never worries to cook herself a hot meal, instead eats while standing at the sink. Then at around 7:00 or 8:00 p.m. she goes to bed, thinking that she can fall asleep, "because," according to her, "those 11 or 12 hours are the only respite I have from this terrible solitude."

It is no doubt that this woman has to be hospitalized four times and that she has been in and out of therapy all her adult life. The ancient rabbis were correct when they said: "Anyone who goes too far alone goes mad."

It is simple to look at such a confused individual and dismiss her lack of friends as a consequence of an abrasive self-image. There maybe some truth to that, for sure. Although she dreadfully yearns for friendship - and particularly for romantic love - she does plenty of things to scare away anyone who draws close to her, and these rough limits to her self-image require lots of work. Therefore it will not do, as some counselors have it, to focus on getting her personality repaired, and then turn her loose to interact in the world. We should cope with her interpersonal difficulties one at a time, and she and I should persist till some camaraderie start to come together. I must be there to help her pick up the pieces when her relationships break, to help her work out what she did wrong, and to take remedial measures to make sure of more success next time.

The Must for Love

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." -- Alfred Lord Tennyson

Individuals are made for love, and I think that many people don't remember that. They scramble to prop up their personalities with different practices, without taking enough consideration to the basis from which they will acquire help most willingly - good friendships. They make all kinds of complaints - that they're very busy, that they can't trust people, that they've learned to survive without having anyone, that they are certainly loners and choose to be alone. Yet it is all a smoke partition, and beneath lies an intense longing to love and be loved.

Several people make the mistake of assuming that they will be happy and contented only when they find the perfect man or the perfect woman to marry, ignoring the vital field of friendship. Few people are prepared for a sexual relationship till they have learned to maintain and nurture a friendship. We do not have to marry to be contented, but we do have to have some love, and that can be found in the best kind of friendships. The paradox is that people who start to unwind in some solid friendships with people of the same sex - and stop worrying so much about knowing the man and woman of their dreams - start to be much more appealing to the opposite sex. Friendship seems to be the best catalyst to love.
 
Another reason to place more importance on friendship and less on romance is due to the realities of divorce and death. Most of us will have to take at least some of our adult lives unmarried, thus it is a weak strategy to place all our eggs in one container. We could happen to be completely deprived of love when something happens to our partner. When a woman says to me, "I don't need any other friends - my husband is my best friend," I do not approve. She is placing too much force on her marriage, for there is no way any one person can satisfy all your emotional wants. To demand your partner to do so is to ask an impossible thing. Your partner should be your best friend, but not your only friend.
 
How does one go about developing a group of supportive and nurturing relationships? Most of us believe the problem is in finding a spot to meet new people. However the essential answer is not in meeting new people; it is in strengthening the relationships we currently have. Many people have acquaintances who could be elevated to friends, some friends who could be elevated to good friends. It may look simpler to start with someone new, but the best foundation of love is most likely in your existing group of family and friends.

The Value of Family
 
Some women are frightened because they have read the studies that indicate how small their probability of marrying if they are in their thirties and have earned college degrees. Yet, it is certain that we cannot consider on being in a nuclear family our entire adult lives, and so it is significant to build powerful networks of support and nurture in several aspects. One valuable aspect is one's extended family - which includes uncles and aunts, cousins, nieces, and grandparents.
 
My mom's friend who is 47 years old tells me that when she returns to visit her parents, it is always "a mixed bag." She makes contacts with some relatives, and she normally has at least one blow-up with her parents. "But it is important to be around my family," she says. "I observe my grandfather's gestures, and my parents' traits, and say, 'So that's where I got that mannerism,' or 'that's why I respond this way.' At times I say, 'I'm happy I have this feature, but that one I'm going to throw away.' And I always come back feeling that I understand myself better and have a clearer thought, in some way, of who I am, where I came from, and where I want to go."
 
She is a clever woman. Some of us have detached ourselves from our pasts, moved thousands of miles away, and behaved as if we were from outer space, when in reality we have ancestry - family ancestors who have names and inheritable characters and recognizable physical traits. It is, as my mom's friend says, "a mixed bag," but we need these relations with our legacy, for they help us to understand that we're recognized by someone, that someone gave us a name, and that a tribe even knows our name. Such associations make our individualities more protected, for as John Dos Passos says, "A sense of continuity with the generations gone before can stretch a lifeline across the scary present."

The Importance of a Group

Years ago, I found out that people can at times learn more from a month of group counseling than from a year of individual therapy. This is partly because the group can provide you precise comment or reaction as to how you interact with other people, since in such a group most people finally go back to their typical ways of relating. And in a trustworthy group, people will let you know accurately how you appear or look like, while most of the community will not.
 
I would like to argue for the improvement and development that such groups can provide. AA gives great assistance for people fighting with chemical addiction, and there are several other kinds of groups helping persons with unique interests and desires. Most churches have such groups. They differ in what they are termed and how they are formed. For this objective it is important to choose a group other than one gathered mainly for research (important as such groups are for other purposes). Rather, it must concentrate on the thoughts of the members and develop trust so that group participants are open to reveal their own anxieties freely. If possible, trust will develop to a time when in due course you can tell each other anything.
 
When we enclose ourselves with a few close friendships, we construct for ourselves a pipeline that provides a stream of nurturing support. It does not come about without a huge amount of effort, but it is worth every ounce of energy we exert.
 
I don't know of a single step one can do to improve self-confidence that is as valuable as developing a network of supporting, loving relationships. At times the people who come for therapy are in such poor condition emotionally since they do not have sufficient love in their lives, and they are usually screaming, "Somebody please love me!"

Development happens when they are able to lighten up, stop demanding for love, and start loving. They seek someone for whom they can do a favor, someone whose shoulder they can place an arm around, someone to whom they can send a word of encouragement, and possibly even start to love. When we are "networking" simply for what we can obtain out of it, it normally goes wrong. However when we begin looking for other people who need love and take the initiative in giving it to them, love seems to start flowing back to us.

Self Confidence Truths Reviewed

"The mightiest works have been accomplished by men who have somehow kept their ability to dream great dreams." -- Walter Russell Bowie

Here are some of the highlights we covered in the previous pages:

• Self-confidence is defined as a belief in oneself and one's abilities in a wide range of conditions.
• A particular quantity of self-confidence, in addition to the proper knowledge and abilities, allows people to be very effective and efficient.
• Without the knowledge or abilities, self-confidence alone is not sufficient. However, excessive self-confidence can make people proud or careless and their functioning suffers as a consequence.
• Two ways in which we can increase our self-confidence in particular circumstances are: improve our abilities in dealing with the situations, and improve our self-worth or self-esteem.
• Frequent use of positive thoughts and messages can help to increase self-confidence, and may help us on becoming more effective.

Conclusion

"The root of the matter, if we want a stable world, is a simple and old-fashioned thing, a thing that I am almost ashamed to mention, for fear of the derisive smiles with which wise cynics will greet my words. The thing I mean is love, Christian love." -- Bertrand Russell

What started out as a book about the different ways we see ourselves now becomes a book about love, since it is from loving and being loved that self-confidence best comes out, and eventually it is divine love that places this all in viewpoint.

Until this concluding section I didn't use the words "self-love," because I am not at ease with the ring of that phrase. They sound very much like a proud or arrogant person we describe as being "extremely in love with himself." If we are to love ourselves, obviously it is not to be in conceit against which clever writers have inveighed many times. Instead, it is to be the type of relationship we have with our most treasured friends: we accept them, mistakes and all, and we are dedicated to their best welfare. We have made a promise to them, and out of that promise we look after them and support them. It must be very similar in our connection to ourselves.
 
Or to illustrate better, we are to love ourselves in the same way as God loves us: God is not excessively impressed with us - he knows our imperfections. Yet we are children of God, and God is generously concerned in our interests. Therefore if we are to label it "self-love," we should perceive it as this relaxed appreciation and healthy regard for the beloved.
 
It is a strange thing how love and laughter go simultaneously. When you first fall in love with someone, you find so many things hilarious, and you simply fall down into each other's arms over a very funny incident. One of the indications of a meeting of good friends is the enthusiastic laughter that breaks out. And the saving grace of healthy self-confidence is its ability to be able to laugh at one's own faults as by those of others.
 
Few years ago I watched a conversation panel on one of the religious television networks. There was an overweight man who laughed at the drop of a hat, didn't worry about how he looked on the television and who was the star of the show. He had succeeded at five or six various professions and was now partially retired. On television he did not try to hide his stomach - he sat on the edge of his chair, waved his arms, and let his coat fly open and his tie go where it would. He laughed, he grumbled, he moaned, and his eyes shone with pleasure and wonder. He was comfortable, confident, and he did not try to be anything more than he was.
 
In evangelical groups, there is an enormous deal of talk about "being constantly in prayer" and having regular family devotions. But he said that he did not follow the tradition. "Honestly," he said to the camera, "Karlvin and I have attempted all sorts of ways of doing Bible study and prayer meetings and it simply doesn't work for us. I'm not especially proud of this, but I'm just letting you know the way it is at our house. The only time we pray together is before we go to bed. We embrace into each others' arms and say a prayer and then we just lie there and hold each other, and that makes everything right."
 
He was just as frank about the spectacular failures of his life. He had been dismissed from a top administrative rank. "They told me that they would announce that I had given up my job so it wouldn't seem so terrible, however they wanted me to empty my table on Saturday so there would be no questions asked. I had never been fired from a job in my life."
 
"Was that traumatic to you?" asked the interviewer.
 
"Traumatic?" he cried out. "I went home and went to bed and pulled the blanket over my face for two days. However, my wife loved me. She knew I'd done some wrong things and she had been waiting. She is a spiritual woman, and she loved me back into completeness."
 
As I observed him talk, I realized how small our bodily pattern has to do with our good looks. Thousands of women were watching this fat fellow talk and perhaps would have given anything to have a husband like him. Instead of some austere, self-sufficient, aloof person who is hesitant of himself, they choose to be around a relaxed person such as this, who knows how to laugh and to love.
 
This fellow is a good illustration of healthy self-love. He does not take himself too seriously, he is honest about his weaknesses, and he laughs at himself willingly. But there is self-respect about him also. His self-esteem comes from being a child of God, and he does not waste his life - he leads a life that involves serving other people, and he thinks about fervently for some people who happen upon his way. Success and failure appear to vary, yet he does not take that too seriously either, for it is sufficient to serve God, to do the best he can with what he has, and to catch joy when it comes. To use William Blake's phrase, "catch joy on the wing."
 
The great philosopher, Immanuel Kant once said that if there is any science we must really have, it is one that will tell us "how to dwell in properly that place in creation that is assigned to man." That man appears to have found his place better than some of us who try to be philosophers, theologians, economists, and psychologists. He had found the appropriate "middle ground" between self-worship and self-contempt.
 
That middle ground is a secure place, where we can walk with determination and with conviction, and in spite of that where we can laugh at our limitations when our friends tell us we are wrong. It is a place where we can be comfortable with both our talents and our faults, our great capacities and our fondness for sin, conscious that on one hand we are dust and on the other hand that we are "a little less than God, crowned with glory and honor."

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