Aim for Personal Excellence

"One does not "find oneself" by pursuing one's self, but on the contrary by pursuing something else and learning through discipline or routine… who one is and wants to be." -- May Sarton

We will have a strong personality only when we recognize our gifts or talents and develop them industriously. Our worth does not come from our achievements; our achievements are the products of our inherent worth. That is, if we have some confidence in ourselves because we are created uniquely in God's own image - then we would like to achieve something with our talents. We will aspire to do something that will last.
 
The bonus we get is that as we achieve something valuable, our self-confidence is improved. We are more than what we do, but what we do represents an important part of who we are. Anyone who has strong self-confidence also has a sense of reason in life, and Dr. Karl Menninger (among others) said that to be stable one must have some play, some love, and some work. Therefore, another principle for building self-confidence is to: Find Something You Like To Do And Do Well, Then Do It Over And Over.

There are two important steps to putting this principle into practice:

1. Evaluate your gifts to find out where it is you can make a telling contribution.
2. Take on the difficult task of practice and improvement in order that you become exceptional at one thing.

Talent
 
"Talent" doesn't have to mean you paint masterpieces. Caring for people is a talent. Teaching is a talent. Making people feel welcomed is a talent. Solving problems is a talent. Managing is a talent. Parenting is a talent.

Too often we underestimate our own talents. The potter says: "If only I could make music, now that would be something." The pianist says: "If only I could make things with my hands …." Don't measure your skills against others. Do what you can do. Accept what talents you have. Accomplishment comes from developing your talents, not wishing for someone else's.

Joanna says: "I have a God-given talent with kids, but maybe I'm supposed to be a banker." If you are literally God's gift to preschoolers, why would you want to be involved in numbers?

Another thing I notice: most people who tell you they have no talent haven't tried many things.

Having said this, talent is useful, but it isn't everything! When people talk about Jack Nicklaus' golfing success, they usually talk of his extraordinary talent. When Jack talks of his success, he talks about the extra practice ball he hit. Jack knew that the difference between Jack Nicklaus and a thousand other talented golfers was attitude and hard work.

Onlookers and underachievers put major emphasis on talent. For them, talent, or the lack of it, is a great excuse to do nothing. If there is an outstanding quality common to great artists, scientists, sports stars, humanitarians and business tycoons it is not their talent - it is their focus. Once you know what you want to do, get focused! You can't do everything. You can't save the whales, heal the sick and plug the ozone layer all at the same time. Leave some chores for the rest of humanity.

Improve Your Internal Dialog

"The only difference between the best performance and the worst performance is the variation in our self-talk." -- Dorothy and Bette Harris

If I could plug a set of headphones into the minds of most people and listen in on the messages they make to themselves all day, I am certain that the majority of them would be negative:

"I'm running late once more - as usual."
"My hair looks horrible this morning."
"That was a stupid comment to have made - she most likely thinks I'm a dummy."

By the thousands these messages flash across our brains everyday, and it is no wonder that the outcome is a reduced personality.

One effective daily exercise for developing self-confidence is to practice a friendlier internal dialog: Change Self-Criticism With Regular, Positive Self-Talk.
 
Donald Meichenbaum has developed a complicated approach on helping people change their stream of internal discussion. Here, for example, is the manner an impulsive and extremely self-critical child might handle an assignment:

Oh my, this is going to be hard. I'm certainly going to make a mess of this. Oh! there you go, you've already made an error. I could never draw. Stupid, you were supposed to go down there. He'll see where I've erased that. It seems as if others are doing well on theirs, but this is a total mess. That's as good as I can do, but it's not what they want.

Here is the manner Meichenbaum teaches the same child to talk within:

Okay, what is it I have to do? You want me to copy the picture with the different lines. I have to go slow and be cautious. Okay, draw the line down, down, good; then to the right, that's it; now down some more and to the left. Good, I'm doing well so far. Remember go slow. Now back up again. No, I was supposed to go down. That's okay. Just erase the line carefully... carefully. Okay. I have to go down now. Finished, I did it.

Such a manner of talking to ourselves can be a great help in reprogramming our personality.

The Origins of Self-Criticism

Where did we learn to talk to ourselves with accusation? We learned it from other people, for sure. The thousands of negative thoughts that came from parents and teachers and older brothers and sisters, as they tried to change us into socially acceptable individuals, are all stored in our memories. Many of those thoughts get incorporated into the general pattern of dialogue we keep on with ourselves all day. "Why are you always late … What's the matter with you, do you want to get run over? … This way, idiot. … Can't you even catch the ball?"

We learn from the assessments of the people around us. Some psychologists go so far as to say that we know ourselves only from the reflection of other people's responses to us. If someone says, "You have trouble with math, don't you?" It is usual to believe - if such persons are bigger and older and smarter - that they're correct. Then for the rest of our lives, whenever a set of numbers appears before our eyes, our automatic reaction is, "Remember, you always have trouble with math."

Talking More Positively to Children

These data make it all the more significant that we push as much positive messages as possible into the young minds around us. Obviously, we must correct our children and our students when they commit mistakes, however, we can do it with positive thoughts:

 "You're a bright guy - you can see that it's unsafe to swing the bat here in the house."
 "This is not like you. Your work is usually so neat. I want you to do that page over."
 "You're one of the best-behaved boys in the class, Bryan. What's wrong today that you're talking so much?"
 "I love you, Billy, but you're making me nervous tonight."
 
This kind of method to parenting and teaching will harvest good dividends in the future, since the outcome will be a much more positive stream of consciousness in those children. They will grow up to say such phrases as:

 "I'm no dummy. I can figure this one with a little time."
 "This is not like me. Got to figure out what's wrong so I can get back to normal production."
 "I like getting along with people, and always feel good when I walk into this office. I'm pretty well accepted around here, and that feels good."

The Displacement Law

However, let's say that you have not been so lucky in your past and that you have absorbed a thousand negative thoughts and you are in the habit of saying to yourself, "I'm no good at math," or "I'm going to get into trouble!" Can anything be done about this habit? Absolutely. We can begin by understanding the principle of displacement. The way to eliminate depreciating thoughts is to so fill our minds with good messages that the negative ones are automatically displaced. Like everything else, we will learn to talk to ourselves more gently with practice.

Statements of Hope

One way to be used to the practice of running a more positive stream of self-dialog through your mind is to place it on paper. Like in prayer, our minds easily drift, and just as some of us find it easier to pray by writing out our prayers - as if we were writing a letter to God - so writing positive messages helps direct our concentration.
 
The procedure is in many ways very much the same to prayer. Here is how it works. In your journal each day, if possible, early in the morning, you can jot down a few statements such as these:

" I feel optimistic about the day that is unfolding."
" I am a competent decision-maker and trust that I'll do the right things as I go through this day."
" I enjoy nature and feel good as I look out this window at the foggy morning."
" My body is a creation of God, and I'm going to enjoy the sensations it sends me today."
" I am determined to be self-confident!"
" I am enthusiastic for achievement!"
" I am thankful for life and opportunity!"
" I desire to be influential!"
" I long for power!"
" I resolve to progress!"
" I covet greatness!"
" I have absolute faith in myself!"
" I daily grow in courage!"
" I am ambitious for conquest!"
" I will positively succeed!"
" I have set my heart upon truth!"
" I aspire to lofty heights!"
" I am developing self-reliance!"
" I am pushing to the front!"
" I shall absolutely win!"

These are not so much goals for the day as statement of belief, which repeated over and over, can change how we think about ourselves.

If it is true that we become what we believe about, then it will change the essence of our being.

On the next page I will explain how Love and Self Confidence are intertwined.